Many of you know I am the mother of an autistic son. Luke is 22 years old and recently had surgery. He now has a post op infection. I am totally bummed as I just noticed that one of his surgical sites has pus in it.
I am not good at choosing men. Only once did I do that and he was not even going to show up in physical form.
He was the only one who did not disappoint me. His name was Jesus. However, he could not give me the desires I wanted now. If you are not of age, I am not about to explain that to you.
Since I am on my own these days, I look strongly for companionship in ways only I choose. These are not going to be my mother’s choosing either. He will definitely be of my desire. I will not kiss a bunch of toads to find my prince.
I do kiss men that end up being toads afterward. However, as enlightening as this sounds, I am the first to say-I have had no hard feelings about any of this. Could this be me coming of age and not giving a crap?
Saying you are in a relationship on face book floors me. I have been in a couple for a few months and do not share that information for a number of reasons. I am not about to write something that does not seem lasting and unfortunately I base lasting on eternity these days. Can someone tell me I am acting ridiculous yet?
Recently I found a love of a man who I realized I am over the top about. How do we explain these kinds of things to anyone? The only two that matter are the two in the relationship.
The more I think of happiness, I know a man can not do that for me. They can do other things that make me very happy, but again I will not go into detail on that. If you are not of age, does your mother know you are reading my blog post? You know exactly what I am talking about.
The phone call we all dread came to my girlfriend. Her father had a stroke after a heart cath. She rushed to his side and comforted her mother.
Her dad would pull through, but it would take a lot of work on his part. He needed a month of aggressive inpatient rehab.
Time is on his side I thought as my mind raced back to my medical crisis in 2011. I too had a stroke after a procedure right before the removal of my brain tumor.
Time has a way of making or breaking a situation, but can bring healing. Today I saw a few of my therapists that assisted me after my hospitalization in 2011. My PT and OT who stood by my side for six months.
I wish I could put in words the amount of energy and time goes into one’s-healing after a crisis. These girls helped me literally get back on my feet.
Time is sometimes and quite possibly the answer to many of our woes. I am not embarrassed to say I am still healing.
Tomorrow I attend my third mental health counseling appointment. I will not be surprised if at some point in this therapy, I sense some healing. After all I am putting the time in and time is on my side.
Nirvana playing at capacity through my Marshall headphones is screaming the silence I needed. Too much in the way so I shut the world out. Canceling noise is about all I can do at times to feel again.
Oh boy did I need a break. I turned off Facebook. I stopped writing. I stopped even over thinking for a while. I stopped my mind and I turned the TV off. I went out to lunch!
In the last month, I began gazing past myself and started looking toward a greater good. My intellectual self did something I needed to do awhile back. I started on a path of cultivating and making sense of my overall view of what life is all about again.
The purpose of this life is to bring honor to God. It is a life that is intentional. Unfortunately for many and at times myself, we simply do not read or think deep enough. What have you read lately? If it was some self-help book you are not alone. I took the last month to read from three books. I will be honest with you one of them was a comedy. I laughed my ass off too.
The second book was the bible. I love that book. It always grounds me. Our mind is like a muscle. The reason I place so much emphasis on the bible is it can fill an empty self without question to capacity if you let it. It is better than letting others do the thinking for you.
I had become so sick of my empty self. I hate people who are in a hurry and too busy to live and love on people. This is a deep and emotional disaster for me. Distraction and noise pollute my mind easily.
Since you may be thinking I am preaching to you, please do not. I am talking only to myself and if you get something from this, I think that is great. I devised a list actually that may help you get out of your rut.
I am on a spiritual journey. My journey includes two beautiful sons. One has autism and the other is very intelligent and going to a great university as we speak. I talk with both of them regular about God and that He loves them and that they are made in His image. If they are in His image, they must love themselves too. Do not take loving yourself above God. It is a matter of understanding and respecting that God does not make junk, even when I myself thought that I was junk. It has taken a lot for me to realize I am a lovely woman with lovely attributes.
Here are your tips for living a better life devoid of emptiness:
- Choose today to making mental changes in your attitude.
- Change up your life to make these changes become reality.
- Change your way you deal with people. Be patience.
- Change your mind thinking and add more good reading to fill the emptiness of self.
- Be Child-like with your heart, but be grown up in your head.
In any regard, I am working on the third book. I am looking differently at myself these days and know I have accomplished a lot with the framework of self-control and discipline. It is time for bringing that to my mind and working on what is right for me. Mind you what is right for me may not be for you. I am just now learning to love myself without needing to hear it from others.
I also know I do things that are counter to my own deep Christian beliefs. Hey I am like you-just learning everyday. I have vices and they are real, but I am learning each day to make my world better. How about you? By the way, I also found a counselor to help me through the maze of life. I am not too naive to know sometimes we need help to get through muddy waters. Hope to hear from some of you as I have taken my out to lunch sign down.
“Proud to have served”
I am taking a break from writing my blog. Many of you have followed along to watch a life transform through many issues. I hope to return in due time.
Clinching my teeth together, I had determined to keep my cool and march on with the task ahead. Isn’t it any wonder many of us aren’t scuffling more than ever with the added stress of life’s continual barrage of stimuli? Guess What! I’ve changed. I don’t mind saying to someone, “Kiss my ass!” God that felt good to do that.
Recently a friend died and I was reminded by her daughter how much my photography meant to her. They talked weekly and in each conversation, the mother would tell the daughter, ” Did you see those beautiful flower shots Alesia took?” This touched me.