Light Coming Through

Hiding Behind the Façade. Have Wig Will Travel!

Hiding Behind the Façade. Have Wig Will Travel!

Alone. Searching for the words to say something. Anything. To Who? Radio on. No need to talk. Driving from the mall on my way home, my eyes are blinded by the sun. Visor down to help, but it still does not block the intensity of the sun beaming down on the windshield. The only answer is to slow the car to a crawl and put my hand up to the sun coming in. Finally I can see to drive. Light still coming through though.
Giving up. I am home. Sitting in my car. Alone. Waiting for the garage door to open. Driving in. Engine off. Searching for something to say. Why? No one around to talk to. Still searching for something to say. No reason to. Getting out of the car. Door opened by my gloved hand and my dog to greet me. Thank God a familiar face. Happiness. Tail wagging.
No pressure now to say anything. Alone. Going to the back of the house. Light is shining through the window. No need to block it anymore. Enjoying the light coming through now. Searching for words to say. None comes. See only the light. No ghosts to worry about. Just me. Tiny body pressing against my lower legs reminding me I am worth something.

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37 thoughts on “Light Coming Through

    1. alesiablogs Post author

      Teresa,
      Writing is a powerful tool to break through. Many say journal. Many do journal. But for Who? Themselves. I blog for others to see they are not alone. Depression is there and than it is gone. Comes and goes. Not always a problem. Others have it and it does not go away. My heart goes out to those. God Bless You too!

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    1. alesiablogs Post author

      So right. So right. My depression is fleeting. Others struggle so much more. I want to write about it because when it hits–it is overwhelming…Love to cupcake and you!

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  1. Kevin

    I could not let this post go by without a comment, and to help me put my thoughts together, I revisited your previous posts. Clearly, you are on some kind of roller coaster — and maybe the holidays are to blame. There’s this expectation (pressure?) to be merry and bright, 24/7, in a manic kind of way — the kind of happiness that is in the stratosphere, the kind of happiness that can only be found on “The Brady Bunch,” the kind of happiness that is completely unrealistic. And yet, we all fall victim to it. You are not alone. You are strong. You are a fighter. You are a survivor. I know that because that is the truth that you have written. Okay, I said what I had to say. 🙂

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    1. alesiablogs Post author

      Hi Kevin,
      You struck a cord with me. I am in the midst of a lot of emotions and I do not have the capacity to control them all. I have times that are so hard that I can not even take it, but I do and I move on. Sometimes the feeling is rough and I want to crawl up in a ball. However, it seems I do make it through it. The other day I got a call from a friend that is watching from a far her daughter go through a divorce. I could sense the hurt in her voice. She asked her daughter to not tell her any details because she did not want to know, yet she called me to talk about it.. I asked her why it was easier for her to talk with me. She said it is because I am comic relief for her. Hum. That was interesting. I thought. I have found myself many times laughing through my own problems. Maybe laughter is good medicine, but I was also hurt that my situation could be comic relief to someone else. I am not mad at her, but it did make me realize as you say how many emotions I have shown over a course of several blog posts. It could be I am searching. I do not know completely. I know I would like to help others and if they see how I am coping-just maybe they can cope through their own grief. OK., I am going to end it like you did. I said what I had to say and I am super glad you said what you did.

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      1. Kevin

        Maybe you need a theme song. “I Will Survive,” by Gloria Gaynor, for example. The kind of song that you play very loudly, sing from the top of your lungs, and dance to all over the house.

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      2. alesiablogs Post author

        Kevin,
        you sure you do not have a web-camera on me! I love that song and of course I listen a lot to Sirius radio around the house. I am getting me outer groove on when I can..fyi..I wrote this post after coming home from watching American Hustler. I went to get my 70’s fix and I sure did. Interesting film. Christian Bale was fantastic in this.

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  2. traharny@frontier.com

    Alesia. I like your introspective comments, and the wig. lookin’ good! Enjoy the sunshine and its powers while we have it. Remind yourself that you are special! Do you attend any support group meetings for persons with brain injury/post surgery etc.? I know you are not alone in what you are experiencing. Peggy go with the New Year, fresh start etc.

    ________________________________

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    1. alesiablogs Post author

      thank you Peggy. I have not heard of any brain support groups! No one can remember they have an injury I guess. haha I am so glad you are reading along and I appreciate it when I see you comment. Alesia

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  3. Jane Fritz

    Alesia, it is good that you are working through such powerful emotions by writing on your blog – reaching out – rather than internalizing everything. I hope you have some friends locally who can be there for you, too. Even one person. You are strong and you will get there, but having someone to lean on from time to time is important for us all. Thinking of you.

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    1. alesiablogs Post author

      I have a few nurse friends that I talk with on occasion. Most of my friends are out of towners I guess, but I do have a few others. Most people are so busy so I work out my emotions in my writing. I am doing all right. I hope I do not sound desperate or anything. I am melodramatic. I do know that. haha You are very kind by letting me know you have me in your thoughts. I write because I can. I can tell you this. My partner once said I should NOT write because he thinks I am deceived by sharing my personal story. I find that disheartening from someone who needs to tell me the truth and still holds onto things that should have been brought out into the light. He also refused counseling when we needed it the most. I am glad to say he is getting some one on one though.

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  4. jennypellett

    I feel privileged to have found your blog recently as I can see that you are a very strong woman who is able to put her feelings into honest words. That is not an easy thing to do and you do it beautifully. I truly wish you well, Alesia xx

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    1. alesiablogs Post author

      Jenny,
      I am glad we are on this journey called life together. It is one for me with a lot of heart break. I gave everything I possibly could have in almost a quarter of a century relationship so it is very hard to get through all this. Most folks want to say, “its a new year.” I realize that, but I am not even done with the legal stuff and I have no real knowledge yet what is in store. From a person who has always liked some kind of control–this is a hard one. I know deep down God is in ultimate control.

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    1. alesiablogs Post author

      I thought of you when I wrote this. You always inspire me with your writing style. With the new year, I felt it was time to rejuvenate my inner pinklightsabre!

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    1. alesiablogs Post author

      Donna,
      It is gripping. I want others to understand, but I definitely do not want anyone feeling sorry for me. My life’s story is shocking..Really shocking if I shared it all. The end of a relationship for almost a quarter of a century is a hard pill to swallow and many like to say, “think of your life as starting new..” It is not that easy. Know this. I am strong. God made me out of His Own Image. That is powerful stuff. Thank you for your thoughtfulness in sharing how this post touched you.

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      1. alesiablogs Post author

        Donna,
        I come from a background that does not believe in divorce. I am working my way through all of this. My husband was many things. I am afraid he stopped sharing with me when it mattered the most. Believe me I was not without my faults too, but who does not have them? I also wish our lives were easier in some respect. We had much adversity and illness (physical and mental with an autistic son), but at some point- things will unravel if you are not able to be truthful. He chose to not be open thus he gave up. I am not one to give up, but if there is not the other person working on behalf of the common good of our marriage-well you can’t be married to yourself can you?

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      2. alesiablogs Post author

        Donna,
        Thank you. I want my story to be positive despite all the hurt. I am amazed at the friends I have made through my blog. I feel your support from so far away. You remind me of my sister who lives in Alabama!

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    1. alesiablogs Post author

      Jalal,
      Thank you for such a kind comment. I am working my way through some difficult times. Glad to have folks on the journey that can appreciate the writing for what it is. God Bless, Alesia

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  5. Pingback: Numbing the Pain | alesiablogs

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