Category Archives: Depression

Easy Out

fullsizeoutput_337c

No easy out- we must stop or we will crash!

 

We need to learn to let go.  We hold onto things way too long that needs to be released.  I decided recently I need to start judging.  Yep.  You heard right. Judge.

After carefully thinking through this, I am judging it all.  How you taste inside me?  What drew me to you?   Where this will take me?  It is true good or bad and now I am OK with judging.  Watch out.  I may prematurely put you to the test.

Continue reading

Advertisements

My Ashes

DSC_3756

Mom and I had a peculiar conversation.  After my recent hospitalization , we discussed living, dying, and a few things right in the middle .

It was apparent I must have some kind of strange situation inside my flesh. I have had way too many issues with modern medicine to think any different.  More surgery is in my near future.

It leaves me depressed, but not broken. Mom even joked she wanted my ashes on her fireplace so she could talk to me everyday. We laughed.

In all seriousness, the human spirit has been victimized to an extreme by TV and in particular politics with the hurt it brought. I sit back and realize I am not a republican nor a democrat. I am a person. I have needs just like you. We all deserve space to just be.

My health scares seem to grab me by the balls at times. Oh wait I don’t have balls !! Haha.

Yet, I stand up and am not afraid to weather whatever THE PLAN is for my life. Do not be fooled by those that say it is going to be ok . Sometimes it is not.  I devised a few phrases in my mind for you to ponder along with me. They are below.

This every girl does not give up easily and will remain as proactive about my health as I am able. A time comes when we all die. When it does, we should be doing something good for mankind.  How does that look to you ? To me, it means a few things:

  1.  Live the little things.
  2.  Keep the happy and keep it now.
  3.  Look for purpose
  4.  Pray
  5.  Family
  6.  Friends
  7.  Touch and feel….

 

Whispered Story

eyeI am now talked about in scattered ways. A true story whispered across the table about the break up. It is being alone that is not spoken of. Instead it is the sustaining half-truths played out by those who do not know.
Some of my life is well worn in my mind like coming out of anesthesia. You feel distance yet you know you are in the same room. “Help me!” I said struggling with pain during one surgery two years ago. “Oh, honey, I have some medicine and I am putting it in your IV now.”
Suddenly you wake up more and do not say a thing at all. You know you need that nurse to help you and he does. He knows exactly the right medicine to administer. You drift back off to sleep.
Hi. My name is Alesia. That pain is not so bad anymore. Two years have gone by and I am now experiencing a whole new kind of pain. A kind I did not expect. It is the end of an almost 23 year relationship. My partner in life has made a choice to move on. I still do not know if the move is permanent. It is what it is for now. The details are not worth the read, but it is the cracks in it that are compelling.
Choosing to not dwell on the details, it seems better to talk about my state my mind and the emotional impact of this loss. With the Christmas season especially, I am reminded of not only my hurt, but also the suffering of many of you. If you sat at home alone on Christmas knowing the season should be enjoyed with others-the harsh reminder of the heartache is painful.
But, tonight as the Christmas day comes to an end, it is hope I would want to bring you. Know you are not alone. I know your pain, but there is always hope. Tomorrow is a new day. God has promised us this through His Story that came through the birth of a baby called the Christ-Child. It is a hope worth pursuing.
Again, do not give up. Life is worth living. Think about the things you love. For me it is fresh flowers, birds in my backyard, watching a great movie, or listening to beautiful music. Life is also about touching others, being touched, and feeling loved. Sweet friendships that are rekindled or perhaps even ambiguous loss of love that gets rejuvenated awaits you and perhaps me one again.
Life is hard. Do not give up. Anesthesia may have worn off, but hope is always attainable.

Accepting What You Cannot Change

The Winter Season is known to bring depression. I hope my photo shows you hope in the midst of yours as it does mine.

The Winter Season is known to bring depression. I hope my photo shows you hope in the midst of yours as it does mine.

My grandmother had a saying that just about sums up how I have felt this week. She would say, “I think I am gonna crawl into a hole and pull in the hole after me.” She lived her whole life in Western Kentucky and died when she was about 80 years old thirty years ago.
Grandmother could be a strange woman, but I know I only saw love from her. She cooked the best butter biscuits and fried chicken a little girl could ever want!
Yet, it seemed to me she suffered at times from depression. I do not know if she was ever clinically diagnosed with it, but I do wonder now about it. But you know one thing I do know is she loved me more than life itself and that was for real. Thank you grandmother.
As I struggle with the angst of my life during a season that we should be thankful, I must accept what I can not change. I recently wrote that my gut check times have become downright vomitus in nature. See this post to catch up: https://alesiablogs.wordpress.com/2013/11/15/acceptance/
I however at the time did not share about the separation I am going through with my husband of 22 years. What I tried to do is put on a good face with you to bring positive in my life when in reality it is not there.
One thing I must do though to move on from this timeframe is to accept what I can not change. We raised two beautiful sons and one of them you all know is Luke who has autism. My life’s journey brought many people through the doors of my home to assist me with him. This perhaps may have been more of a gift to humanity than I will ever really know.
Out of all the care providers that assisted me with Luke, I saw many of them leave our home and become professionals in the world of Teaching, Physical Therapy, Speech therapy, Psychologists, and last but not least Nursing. My life meant something and the lives touched have gone on to touch 100’s of others.
If you are suffering depression and you are reading my post today-know you are not alone. Your life matters. It really does. People come through your life everyday and you have no idea what you did to have made a difference. Remember it is at times the unseen that you are not aware of that is life changing.
Today I am thankful for you my reader. Happy Thanksgiving to my “blogging family” and especially those of you that really do take the time to read.
This post is dedicated to Myrtle who cooked many of my Thanksgiving meals when I was growing up.

Death Becomes You

Photo I took from one of the oldest cemeterys in America in NYC's St. Paul's Churchyard.

Photo I took from one of the oldest cemeterys in America in NYC’s St. Paul’s Churchyard.

Today I went to a cemetery to photograph some stones for family members that did not live in Washington State. It is a volunteer program I became involved with to assist those that can not take the photography themselves. On this particular day, I was having trouble finding a plot. There was a woman alone near me and as we began to talk, she started helping me search for the grave site.
After a few minutes I found who I was looking for and took the pictures I needed to take. After I was done, I began to talk with this woman. I realized a sadness in her face as I asked her if she was there visiting with someone. She said, “Yes, my husband. He committed suicide.” I said, “I am so sorry to hear this. When did he do that?” She replied, “In 2010.” It was at this point we began sharing back and forward about life and death situations. It was as if she was saying death was the best choice he saw for himself.
It was interesting having this chance meeting with her. I do not even know her name, but she did take me to her husband’s burial site. I paid my respects with her. This nicely dressed lady was from Korea and shared with me that he was depressed before he killed himself and had lost much of his business. He was a highly respected businessman and it sounded from her he had lost everything. She had begun to go to work at a department store to bring in some money.
As I took my time with her, we spoke of Korean traditions and how the husband’s role is so important in that culture. She spoke of going to work and what this might have felt like for her husband. You could see the sadness in her eyes as she discussed this with me and the clash of current culture with the culture and traditions of her home country. She shared that her home may be lost soon to foreclosure and she wondered about moving back to Korea. She now has grandchildren here that make her so happy. I offered her the only advice I knew when she told me she is now an American citizen, “Stay in America and be with your grandchildren no matter if you lose your house. They sound so lovely for you.” We smiled and said our goodbyes. I offered to take a photo of her husband’s grave site and email it to her. She was so happy for me to do that. I hope in some way it helps her.