Sometimes I get scared. I wonder though about that weakness of fear and actually
It was the sound of scratching nails getting louder and louder. Then silence. Moments later, a small whimper began.
Lying down on my bed sleeping, I flinched realizing what I was hearing.
Quickly standing up from a deep sleep, I saw my dog Linus stuck under my bed. All I could think about doing is pulling him out. I had never seen him do this before.
It is not unusual for Linus to sleep at the side of my bed. Although, He must have moved in his sleep to get himself trapped under it.
I tried pulling him out unsuccessfully. Realizing the weight of the bed was on my dog’s back, I lifted the bed frame up. No easy task for someone in my physical shape, but it was the only way to pull him out.
After coming out from under the bed, Linus could not seem to hold up his own body weight. Suddenly to my relief, Linus managed to pull himself up.
Feeling nauseated from lifting the bed and the ensuing pain I felt in my head and back, I laid down quickly praying for relief.
Not quite awake, I thought to myself, “What just happened?” However, relieved that my dog was Ok and my pain subsiding, I drifted back to sleep.
beep…beep…beep…My alarm wakes me. Time to go to church.
Leaving the house, I eyed Linus sleeping on his own bed. Quietly I thanked God he was not hurt.
I wondered where my strength came from. It was crazy to me that I could lift the bed up.
To my surprise, the pastor spoke about, “You’re stronger than you think.” As the pastor was wrapping up his message, I could not help but smile knowing God must have given me a supernatural ability to help my pet when he needed me the most. God does indeed use the weak. In fact, it seems many times God uses the smallest of things to His Glory. My own strength certainly fits the bill.
I am now talked about in scattered ways. A true story whispered across the table about the break up. It is being alone that is not spoken of. Instead it is the sustaining half-truths played out by those who do not know.
Some of my life is well worn in my mind like coming out of anesthesia. You feel distance yet you know you are in the same room. “Help me!” I said struggling with pain during one surgery two years ago. “Oh, honey, I have some medicine and I am putting it in your IV now.”
Suddenly you wake up more and do not say a thing at all. You know you need that nurse to help you and he does. He knows exactly the right medicine to administer. You drift back off to sleep.
Hi. My name is Alesia. That pain is not so bad anymore. Two years have gone by and I am now experiencing a whole new kind of pain. A kind I did not expect. It is the end of an almost 23 year relationship. My partner in life has made a choice to move on. I still do not know if the move is permanent. It is what it is for now. The details are not worth the read, but it is the cracks in it that are compelling.
Choosing to not dwell on the details, it seems better to talk about my state my mind and the emotional impact of this loss. With the Christmas season especially, I am reminded of not only my hurt, but also the suffering of many of you. If you sat at home alone on Christmas knowing the season should be enjoyed with others-the harsh reminder of the heartache is painful.
But, tonight as the Christmas day comes to an end, it is hope I would want to bring you. Know you are not alone. I know your pain, but there is always hope. Tomorrow is a new day. God has promised us this through His Story that came through the birth of a baby called the Christ-Child. It is a hope worth pursuing.
Again, do not give up. Life is worth living. Think about the things you love. For me it is fresh flowers, birds in my backyard, watching a great movie, or listening to beautiful music. Life is also about touching others, being touched, and feeling loved. Sweet friendships that are rekindled or perhaps even ambiguous loss of love that gets rejuvenated awaits you and perhaps me one again.
Life is hard. Do not give up. Anesthesia may have worn off, but hope is always attainable.
A few nights ago I attended a special event where Ann Graham Lotz spoke to a large audience. Anne is the daughter of the legendary evangelist Billy Graham. She is considered for her generation one of the top 5 evangelists according to the New York Times. Funny thing is that at this event she said she is not an evangelist. Reverend Billy Graham called her the best preacher in the family. I thought that was pretty amazing coming from him.
Anne’s message was clear and masterful. She believes we are living in the end times and prefaced this with language I had heard many times before about the changing circumstances of humanity. She gave example after example of environmental and political reasons. It was interesting and her thoughts on life in our current culture seemed spot on to me.
As a fellow Christian I take heart in the simplicity of the evening. There was a lone man (http://www.fernandoortega.com/) at the piano singing songs that pierced your heart. With each word of one song I paused to allow the fullness of its meaning. The song would draw you in with its deep calling. It would remind me of being at a dear friend’s house that you may have not seen for many years, yet you can resume that friendship right where you left off.
It is in living our lives vulnerable, we rediscover ourselves. I think that is why I love music so much. A song has a way of replenishing me. I can let my guard down. So as I seized the moment in a song, I thought of where my life has come from one restoration to another. It is not a one stop healing track. It is a continuum. If we are to capture the wonder of life, it is a rediscovery process. It is also about allowing people an opening into our lives from not merely knowing someone from the inside out, but the outside in.
After coming home from this special night, I decided to find out more about Anne. I noted in one article on the internet that her husband had been very ill a month ago with a deadly MRSA infection. She thought they might lose him. As I read this, it took me back to my year of horror with the same infection in my skull. The difference is I became extremely angry and resentful to God about this and honestly still have not completely overcome my negative emotions with my experience. Yet here was Anne able to come cross-country after watching her partner fight for his life. Let me just say that her circumstances restored me a little that night.
So today I am a little bit closer to being the best I can be. I await again for another restoration and can not wait for God to answer in an unexpected way. By the way–bloggers thanks for reading as this post was very religious in nature. I am many things, but the most important part of who I am is an ordinary girl telling her story in extraordinary fashion. That is why I started this blog after all.
When I think of Luke’s anchor, I am reminded of my own. It is invisible. However, I have not used it as consistently as Luke uses his. It is prayer in my life. My prayer life consists of a simple rhythm of words I put together to help me deal with life’s challenges. Usually I pray utilizing The Lord’s Prayer centered around doing right,forgiveness, safety, and last but not least allowing me to be used by God to help others in their time of need.
In all honesty, prayer has not come easy to me but I know it leads me to focus on God more. This changes perspectives and attitudes. Prayer also reminds me of our desperate need for forgiveness. Just as we can die from lack of food, we can die from lack of forgiveness. To starve from lack of food is one thing, but to starve from a lack of forgiveness brings it to a whole new level.
Prayer is a mystery to me. It will stay that way I am sure, but it is a good mystery. I know God is watching over me and that is soothing. For Luke, an inanimate object calms and soothes him. For me, it is the invisible. I thank God that Luke is comforted with the alligator. It would be horrible if nothing comforted him. I am also reminded that as I do pray God does have a sense of humor. Who would have ever thought a big alligator from Toys R Us could have such a powerful hold on my son? That is the same powerful hold I seek with God.
Other posts with this theme are: