Accepting What You Cannot Change

The Winter Season is known to bring depression. I hope my photo shows you hope in the midst of yours as it does mine.

My grandmother had a saying that just about sums up how I have felt this week. She would say, “I think I am gonna crawl into a hole and pull in the hole after me.” She lived her whole life in Western Kentucky and died when she was about 80 years old thirty years ago.
Grandmother could be a strange woman, but I know I only saw love from her. She cooked the best butter biscuits and fried chicken a little girl could ever want!
Yet, it seemed to me she suffered at times from depression. I do not know if she was ever clinically diagnosed with it, but I do wonder now about it. But you know one thing I do know is she loved me more than life itself and that was for real. Thank you grandmother.
As I struggle with the angst of my life during a season that we should be thankful, I must accept what I can not change. I recently wrote that my gut check times have become downright vomitus in nature. See this post to catch up: https://alesiablogs.wordpress.com/2013/11/15/acceptance/
I however at the time did not share about the separation I am going through with my husband of 22 years. What I tried to do is put on a good face with you to bring positive in my life when in reality it is not there.
One thing I must do though to move on from this timeframe is to accept what I can not change. We raised two beautiful sons and one of them you all know is Luke who has autism. My life’s journey brought many people through the doors of my home to assist me with him. This perhaps may have been more of a gift to humanity than I will ever really know.
Out of all the care providers that assisted me with Luke, I saw many of them leave our home and become professionals in the world of Teaching, Physical Therapy, Speech therapy, Psychologists, and last but not least Nursing. My life meant something and the lives touched have gone on to touch 100’s of others.
If you are suffering depression and you are reading my post today-know you are not alone. Your life matters. It really does. People come through your life everyday and you have no idea what you did to have made a difference. Remember it is at times the unseen that you are not aware of that is life changing.
Today I am thankful for you my reader. Happy Thanksgiving to my “blogging family” and especially those of you that really do take the time to read.
This post is dedicated to Myrtle who cooked many of my Thanksgiving meals when I was growing up.

Acceptance

Gut Check times can be down right vomitus. Time has come that all is left of my inner being is my gut feelings. Have you ever been there? Maybe more than you ever really want to share if the truth were to be told.
My earthly time has been challenged in ways that are hard to put into words. Those are the times we must just let go. It could be that the time has come for me once again. Unfortunately for me, my gut check thermometer did not read the situation as clear as it is now.
When something becomes clear to you-yes at a gut level-you finally can start Letting Go. Obviously a clarifier has to be put with that statement and it is this. Letting Go is a process and looks different to every individual.
Cancer tried to take my life. Autism has tried to take a son. Hardships tried to take my joy. Depression tried to steal my soul. But at the beginning of the day and at the end, I stand up still even if with a cane and call my life a victory. You can too.
God Bless your Weekend Word Press Friends. Here are a few photos to help keep things in perspective. Enjoy:

Alabama River

For Luke

Luke watching his brother at Little Bit Therapeutic Riding Center!

Ten years ago Luke was nominated for NARHA Child Equestrian of the Year. Here is a letter giving voice to Luke as a horseman:
How do you describe a rider like Luke? His impish smile, his sense of humor, his serious, quiet moments…actually, he is a very typical 9-year-old boy. But he is autistic and when he rides at Little Bit, he lets us, his volunteers, into his world. He has opened up to us and shared his world with us. In return, we have taught him about horses, and riding, and control.
Two weeks ago, I was able to teach Luke to lead his horse on his own. In the past, I stood between him and his steed, J.R. Luke would take jaunty steps, lag behind or run ahead. That Thursday night, however, I handed him the lead rope and coiled it carefully in his hand. With his other small hand on the lead, I gave him the control. He walked with J.R., matching his steps and stride.
Luke has learned a lot about control since he started riding at Little Bit. He used to need reassurance that he would see mom or dad after class-depending on who brought him-as the ritual would begin each week:
“Go see mama? Go see mama?” he would ask with concern, as his eyes darted from his instructor and back and forth to his side walkers.
“Mama later, Luke,” Andrea, his side walker, would reply in her calming voice.
Sometimes, he would get pretty upset and agitated at the idea that mom or dad was not at his side at that moment. As time passed though, he would mimic the whole conversation, reassuring himself that all was OK in his world. “Go see mama”!…Mama later!” He would recite over and over.
I have volunteered at Little Bit for over ten years, and worked with many riders and volunteers. This rider has provided staying power. Luke has brought three of us volunteers together as “Team Luke.” I usually lead, and Andrea and Michelle work as side walkers. We are actually in danger of losing our volunteer jobs as Luke masters his riding skills and refines his balance. He is taking control.
I think that is what has been so special about Luke. He is so charming that his three volunteers keep coming back for him, season after season. We have all formed a bond that will be broken by the very fact that he learning and progressing each week. That is the good news and the bad news all rolled together! We have seen the progress and the great work his instructors do with him. Our goal is for Luke to have full control of his horse. He will get there; sooner than later. In the meantime, however, he highlights the week for me, Andrea, and Michelle.
We are looking forward to summer session, as that is the last time we will be together as the “team.” Michelle will head off to college in the fall. And Luke will probably not need side walkers by the end of this next session. But for now, I will treasure the trail rides, the obstacle courses, and the warm up sessions of “Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes.” He has touched our lives and in turn, we hope we have touched his!
A special thanks goes out to Helene, Andrea, and Michelle for making beautiful memories for me.
For information go to this link: http://www.littlebit.org/

A Hoarse Blogging Voice

Linus contemplates his blogging voice’s next big post!

Every time I watch my favorite sports team play, I have a tendency to get overzealous and my voice go hoarse. It hit me that my husky, raucous, and guttural voice that takes place of my normal one is not strong any longer, but a weak form of what was once there.

Is this what we do in our blogging at times? Is it that my voice may come across too strong or too opinionated? At other times, my blog may become weak because I do not tackle the blogging topic with full veracity. Truth for me though may not be the same truth for another. Yet we all know that there are universal truths in our world.

After taking a break from the daily blogging world the last 2 months , I have come to realize I prefer to allow myself freedom to write as I choose. As an individual I am as complex as they come. This brings for interesting thoughts that flow in my head and scream to come out. It is in my blogging I can find voice, yet learn to tame it so I do not go hoarse. You would think going gusto for the team and screaming with all your might for them to win is an awesome thing. I suppose it is, but at the end of the game and may I add at the end of this game we call life, does that hoarse voice show strength or weakness? All I know is that my throat could do well to have a throat lozenge just about now.

Happy Blogging Friends.

Where Are You? What Are You Doing?

Gardening is a therapeutic experience for me.

You ever wish you could see into the internet and peek at your internet Word press friends in real life? I was just really thinking about you guys today. This summer has been going fast in some ways and slower in others. Since my spring vacation to Hawaii, we have not been anywhere. However, living in Seattle does make for many fun days in the summer time. Our weather has been phenomenal this year. In fact no rain for 40 days for you disbelievers out there that think it rains all the time in Seattle!

This summer has been spent in quiet contemplation at times, driving with one of my sons who wants to get his license (hence quiet contemplation keeps my nerves in check), gardening, and many other small projects that add up to more than 24 hours in a day. Heck, I am not complaining. It is my belief we were put on this earth to stay busy and productive. So I guess that is what I am doing. Yeah. The yeah is for my 16-year-old who says that about thirty million times a day.

For you gardener friends, my yard has brought me much joy this year. I actually am not really a green thumb, but I did take some time and worked very hard to get my yard in better shape. I wish I had a before photo to show you because you would not have believed the mess. These photos I am sharing show off some of my hard work, but there is so much more to do. How are all of you all doing and better yet what have some of you been up to?

My Forrest Gump Moment

Today I did not want to blog. My ongoing efforts to write seemed futile.

I grabbed my coffee though and came to the computer and thought about one of my favorite films Forrest Gump! What would Forrest do? Laughing out Loud–I thought-he would continue with the race and run until he was done.

I realized I am not quite done with blogging. I am purpose-driven and working on a goal. I have picked up a few new bloggers that have engaged with me about their lives and I am touched. The blogging is worth the effort I thought. It is helping in a way I did not know it could.

Today is a new day.

Ten years ago most commentary we would read would be one-sided. Your favorite news paper or magazine would run an article perhaps on some political subject that left you fuming. I mean you were pissed off. Today they are dying by the dozens.

Since then a little thing called a blog took over. It popularity soared. Blogging has perhaps become the watchdog for when other forms of media seem to be getting it wrong or missing alternative solutions.

This is what attracted me to it. If you’ve never realized that blogging has an extensive network of helpful links, you would be mistaken. The visibility of what we have is an experience like no other.

It is a wonder that so many that blog are actually writing about the very subject of blogging. I like that because it helps with perspective. So I continue my quest and wait for my Forrest Gump MOMENT. How about you? Can you explain to me what keeps you going on with your blogging?

Five Steps To Reading Blogs

Your blogger and her family thinking in the rain about my next blog post!

Information is the cornerstone of life. We sometimes take it for granted. The necessity of information flowing seamlessly is sometimes lost as we go about our lives organizing and processing all the data that comes our way.
For myself I enjoy original insights. I am into learning something new and unusual. I get tired of the same old thing. There is nothing so cool as the innovation of information as we discover a new book or a new way of doing something. In fact the element of surprise is always exciting as we are discovering fresh information. Perhaps that is why I gravitate to blogs. Blogging brings originality to a whole new level. Typically the blogger is alone ( in my case) pondering her information to share and then putting it out there for others to enjoy. No one is making the blogger change her words. She is writing with a hipness she can call all her own.
Blogging has brought me new friends. For that I am grateful. I usually take my Mondays to read new material from many of you and ponder your thought processes. It is cool to be in your life-like this. The computer lifts me up and takes me on a rocket ride into each and every one of your homes. Bring it on I say.
This friendship I know is different from normal ones I have. I am sad to say I do not know most of you in real life. Yet I am glad to call you my friend. Recently if you have followed my writings, you know I was sharing on the wonder of friendship ( https://alesiablogs.wordpress.com/2013/03/14/come-now-lets-settle-the-matter/ ) . I have been learning to revitalize and renew my close friendships. It is the same to a lesser degree in blogging friendships that I honor you by reading your blog. So I have thought about the steps of what it means to be a good friend to my close friends, but also our friends in cyberspace. Here are some steps to reconcile each of us to each other. These five steps to reading blogs will surely bring readers to your very own blog! I believe it. Here we go:
1. Think about ways I can reflect on my life through what I learn from you all. It may mean wrapping my mind around things I have never thought about before and even to the point of changing my point of view because I have learned something new.
2. Pay attention to what someone is saying. It is important to listen and show you are intentional. There is nothing worse than someone taking you for granted.
3. Affirm that person. This means with our friends show them grace and love. For my blogging buddies it is important as a blogger to show how important you all have been to my information intake now. I do not rely on just the news or media, but I am looking at the blogging world and saying, “We ROCK and we have good information to share with each other!”
4. Be at Peace and love what you are doing and read blogs that are good and what you want to read about. For your own writing–write what your passion is about. Life is too short to not. Take it from me. I have survived cancer and I am here to tell my story, but I am also hear to read yours. It is what drives me and motivates me to no end.
5. Last but not least is I PRAY for you guys as I PRAY for my close friends I know God has put in my life.

Come Now. Let’s Settle The Matter

Remembrances of my past came with strong waves of emotion this week. It was as if an avalanche had hit me and I was buried alive. My son had lost his best friend and memories of this past year came crushing down. How many things does it take in my life to die before I will wake up? I was reminded of long ago of my dad’s death, then the loss of my precious childhood dog of 16 years, and more recently a truly beautiful friendship. How do we deal with life’s blows?
In the beginning of this year I began a study on renewing my life to those things that matter most. It hit me that as I saw the simpler things in life beginning to bless me, my heart was becoming wonderstruck. The wonder of nature brought me closer to God. The wonder of expectation opened doors for me. The wonder of prayer is rejuvenating me. Now this week the wonder of friendship is my focus. As I began this study a couple of months ago on the purpose of wonder, I invited five other women on this journey with me. We have been meeting every two weeks and opening our hearts to lead more intentional lives with each other and those around us.
Have you ever thought about how important relationships are in our lives? God made us to be in fellowship with each other for the good and the bad. In fact, friendships have been an important and integral part of my life. I realized how my son who lost his best friend through death has no choice but to move on without him. I have choices in my friendships. As this study began this week in the context of my life’s struggles, I could hear a calling in my heart–Come Now, Let Us Settle The Matter. Stop holding people at arm’s length.
The wonder of friendship and my study of it over the next two weeks I believe will be pivotal as I help my son and myself grow in this area. Reminding myself that no two friendships are the same is important. It is also vital to realize no two people are alike and we must accept people where they are at. If a friendship is not meant to go deeper than do not. Start adjusting your expectations and choose to love people right where they are at. Learning to love people unconditionally should be a pattern worth pursuing. It sure seems worth the effort.
One thing we can remember is that friendships do not happen over night. It takes time to cultivate just as a gardener plants her field, she must nurture it daily so how friendship must be also. I have a lot to learn from a gardener. Today though I wanted to share a few important thoughts on the human mind/soul/spirit that have begun growing in my heart and I hope it resonates with you today:
1. Be You.
2. Don’t Hide.
3. Be Honest.
4. Don’t Procrastinate.
5. Be Intentional.
6. Don’t lie.
7. Be Appreciative.
8. Don’t Do Nothing.
9. Be Alive.
As you think upon these ideas and especially the last one–No One gets out of this world alive so while you have a chance live your life on this earth to the fullest. Come Now, Let’s Settle The Matter and saturate those around you now with your friendship and love.

The Letter Part 2

After Roy retired from the military, he became the Director of Veteran Affairs under Governor George Wallace of Alabama

My teenage son wrote the following post in honor of his grandpa by describing what this picture meant to him.

Roy and his cousin Melda meeting for the first time.

Today we are celebrating my step dad Roy’s 90th birthday. He was a WWII VET and a POW in STALAG 17. I shared briefly his story yesterday and so many of you commented and sent Roy birthday wishes that he asked me to thank each and every one of you for your kind words. Here is a link if you are interested in seeing that story and some of the most powerful comments and even poems I have ever seen: https://alesiablogs.wordpress.com/2013/01/17/the-letter/ .

Today I thought appropriate to put together a collage of photos of Roy.

KIDS!

Growing up in Hawaii offered kids interesting opportunities like BIRDS on your head!

Blogging is still a very new way of expressing myself. Sharing and reaching out to others for affirmation or showing my unique way of looking at life seemed to bring an audience into my world. I am grateful for each of you. A couple of weeks ago I was nominated for The Beautiful Blogger Award ( http://scvincent.com/awards/ ) and asked to share seven things about myself. I thought I would confess some of my childhood mishaps. Now remember these were the early 70’s!!!! I hope it brings a smile to your face and you see a little of yourself in my answers. After all you were a kid once:
1. I thought I was a great singer at the age of eight in 1971. I sang to the same Donny Osmond album night after night. Mom told me I may have actually sang Puppy Love more than Donny Osmond and Paul Anka combined. It seemed Mom was not too impressed with my singing. It was soon after that I had to give up my musical career. I actually auditioned for the neighborhood band and was “promoted” to manager as the band said I hit a few too many sour notes.
2. I loved playing softball. One year while on the ALL STAR team, I hurt my knee and it was swelling pretty bad. There was some guy at the game who said he could “take the pain away” by hypnotizing me. I let him do that right there with the players around me watching. Before I knew it all the pain was gone. I pitched the game and never felt pain. Later I got home and my knee hurt like hell. My mother was not too impressed.
3. I have gone number one in the pool while I was growing up. I could not help it because I just wanted to keep swimming. Now that Michael Phelps confessed that he has done this, I felt it was OK to share. Mother would not have been too impressed so I did not tell her.
4. I studied best with my dog Rascal growing up. I still love being around animals. I played with him more than studying. Mom was not impressed.
5. I was baptised at the YMCA. It was not a real spiritual experience as I froze my butt off when I got out of that water and my tittys could be seen frozen to death! I wonder if I gave anyone a cheap thrill that day? My mother would not have been impressed.
6. I once spit out food right in front of my grandma while eating breakfast she made me. I was eating eggs with something in them when I said, “Gramma this is good, but what’s in these eggs?” She said in her Kentucky accent, “Child that is pig’s brains. They are good for you.” I proceeded to barf. Mom was not impressed.
7. I was once in a tornado. My daddy and I were going down a road when the weather proceeded to change rapidly. Our car was actually lifted off the road. It was clearly an outer body experience. I remember not even being scared. I was like cool looking at dad thinking come on car do that again! OMG was I nuts or what? I never told my mom this story until a couple of weeks ago. She finally seemed impressed. LOVE YOU MOM! I know you are reading this….